Sunday, June 28, 2026

The Herbie from HELL

Tie Dye color way
Much like any other 30 year old nerd, I love toys.

Old toys, new toys, and weird toys, but ESPECIALLY banned toys. And I collect them all.

Lawn darts, suspicious flying broomsticks, glowing alien fingers, dolls that fly directly into fire, dolls that eat hair, you name it and it's pissed off a parent, I got it.

Other than banned toys, I also collect bootleg toys, especially Teddy Ruxpin wannabes. Once again, the shittier, the better. There's nothing better than spending an evening listening to rock cassettes and recorded Seinfeld clips through the mouth of "Teddy Tale-Spin". Or at least that's what I believed... but now, I'm not so sure. 

It all started one balmy spring morning. I was having my morning coffee, and waiting on a package to be delivered. Suddenly, I hear FedEx delivery hastily toss my package on my porch, and then speed off. WTF? No need to abuse my boxes.
I put down my coffee to see what all the fuss was about. As I expected, nothing to be running from, just my now dented package. They better not have fucked the resale value. Not that I commonly sell off my prizes anyway, but still. 

I took it to the kitchen table and immediately get to opening it. 

This one was... a little stranger than usual.
It kind of looked like a cross between the Fresh Tie Dye and Midnight Wolf color change furbys, with the crazy hair and frosty y2k color palette, but it also had little hands like a loris and round ears. It had black eyelids with white lashes, and the tush tag read "TW" instead of "WT", but the most striking thing about it was it's blood red eyes.

Nothing about this official, idk why they even bothered with the tag. I turned it upside down to look for the battery compartment, and it sprang to life.

"OO-nye boh dee wah?! Kah oo-tye nah-bah, Boo-dah! Boo-dah wah!"

Yep, and it's talkative! I think it's what I think it is... Herbie!!! It didn't come in it's box, but it does have a note.

"I COME TO LIFE WHEN I TALK TO YOU AND I KNOW WHEN YOU RESPOND TO ME TOO. MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, HEAD MOVEMENT AND ARM GESTURES MAKES ME REALLY SEEM TO BE ALIVE. I MAKE LEARNING ENTERTAINING, EASY AND FUN BY PLAYING GAMES TO TEACH ABOUT THE ALPHABET, NUMBERS, TIME, SHAPES, COLORS, BODY PARTS AND SO MUCH MORE."

I'm guessing that was all the marketing nonsense that would have been written on the packaging?

On the other side was a handwritten note. 

"Thank you for your purchase! 

I had to get rid of this thing, before it was too late. I hope you'll understand. I just couldn't take the gibbering anymore. Maybe, you will succeed where I failed, and DESTROY THIS THING.

Destroy thing before 'it' comes after you too. Don't even entertain it's babbling, that's what 'it' wants.

Please..."

Saturday, June 27, 2026

The Mixtape From HELL


ZOMG GUYS

I bought a mixtape from the sketchy guy on the corner, and I DIED. Like I'm ACTUALLY dead rn. Here's what happened...

I went out. To the bodega. Got me an italian hoagie, with the extra salt and pepper.

On the way back, the local weirdo accosted me.

"Ay man, check out my mixtape."

"Naw man."

"Ay man, I'm gonna be the next big thing. Trust. Here take it, on the house." 
And he shoved it into my hands before, shuffling away as fast as his sagging pants would allow. His boxers had gangster spongebob printed on the back.

Well shit. I guess I own this now.

I brought it home, along with my hoagie and chips, and set it on my computer desk. Now, I'm not stupid, I did not input this foreign data into my PC. 
I own a CD player, and that is what I used to play the audio contained within this disk.

After fucking up my lunch voraciously, I gave it a listen. How bad could it really be? 

Well I'll tell you how bad it was.

IT KILLED ME.

It starts with 2.5 seconds of dead air before the beat starts, and the beat... OH MY GOD THE BEAT... IT WAS SO ASS. Shit sounded like the arabic nokia ringtone played in the room where the microphone happened to be. 
Then he started rapping, but it didn't sound like rapping, it sounded more like... chanting, and it was so shrill that I couldn't make out what he was saying. 

The sound made my head hurt, and I felt like I was gonna hurl. My face started to sweat. My mouth was turning savory. I was going to puke. I ran to my bathroom and threw up BLOOD. I went pale (probably from the blood loss). Holy fuck. My head spun, and I threw up again. 

The chanting was still going. I had to turn it off. But I couldn't make it, I wasn't strong enough and I passed out on the carpet. It was that same spot where my body was found days later. The mixtape was STILL PLAYING!!

Investigators took my body and the disk as evidence. 

Turns out there were no lyrics. The chanting was fake. The autopsy results found out that it wasn't the music that killed me through demonic influence, but tiny shards of glass that were in my sandwich!

The mixtape was so doody ass, that it distracted me from the hazard I unknowingly ingested.

Moral or the story, NEVER LET A CRACK HEAD CONVINCE YOU TO LISTEN TO HIS MIXTAPE, AND NEVER GET A CHEAP HOAGIE FROM THE 2 STAR CORNER STORE!!1!


...and then my skeleton popped out.


Friday, March 13, 2026

Smith Sisters Murdered Anonymously : retake


    Way back in 2007, there was a boy named Cody Smith who lived in Candor, Michigan. He was very fond of scary chainmail and pop-ups. Everyday he would find new ones and send them to everyone he knew. He even started writing some himself and sending them to strangers. He loved scaring people on the internet. He didn't have many friends.

    One day in November, he opened up his inbox inbox to find a message. It was from an address called 'smithsisters93@aol'. 
In the email, they claimed to be his older sisters. This confused Cody. As far as he knew, he was an only child. They also said that, years ago, they had lived in his house.

    He replied, saying that he didn't have any sisters, and told them to get lost and leave him alone.


    The next day, Cody received a chilling reply with photo attachments.
The first photo was of two girls. A photo of a polaroid. They looked about middle school age, and were likely twins. The two of them (the Smith sisters) were out at some outdoor event. Maybe a festival or a carnival. Both of them had dirty-blonde hair grown out just past their shoulders, and wore spaghetti strap camisole tops. The caption written on the polaroid said: "Smith Sisters Murdered Anonymously".

    In the email, the girls insisted that they were in fact his older sisters. They told him that they had lived in his house, and that his bedroom had once been their bedroom. They told him all about growing up, about their lives, and how happy they had been... until one horrible night.

    He opened the second attachment. It was a close up of a newspaper article.

    “In 2003, two sisters were brutally murdered in the small community of Candor, Michigan. Lisa and Sarah Smith, both age 13 were attacked in their parent's home on the night of November 17th, at around midnight. The Smith Sisters were sleeping in bed when an intruder broke into the home. No one heard them scream. In the morning, their parents found the dead bodies of the Smith Sisters hidden in the bedroom closet. The sisters been skinned alive. The killer was long gone and no trace of him could be found. They had been murdered anonymously. The police conducted an extensive investigation, but it was to no avail, the motives for the attack couldn't be discovered, and the attacker was never found. The only lead authorities had was a series of strange emails found on Lisa's computer. The case was closed in October of 2000.”

    The rest was a wall of rage. The smith sisters were angry that the case was closed, angry that people forgot about them, angry that even their own parents wanted to forget about them, and angry that their parents decided to start over and have a new baby. A son named Cody. Their little brother.

They hated that their parents never spoke about their daughters, or their untimely death to their new son.

    Now, even Cody could tell that something was wrong here.

    First off, the wording is unprofessional. "No one heard them scream"? "skinned alive"? Really? 
That's the shit you see in slasher movies, you can not publish that to the press. 
And what does "They had been murdered anonymously," even mean? Mystery attackers don't sign their work to begin with, and its not a phrase commonly used by the press or the police either.

    Secondly, "Smith Sisters" is capitalized like a band name. Or like a popular entity. 

    Third, They don't close unfinished cases. Unsolved murders go cold unless they're impossible to solve.

    Cody sent a heated reply. He didn't believe a word they wrote. He didn't believe the Smith sisters were related to him and he didn't believe the newspaper article was real. Cody punctuated the email with a sharp: "go to hell".

    Minutes later, he got another email. It read "If you don't believe us, look in the closet."

These were the final emails found on his computer.


    The next morning, Cody's mother came into his room to wake him up for school, only to find him missing, with a bloodstain taking his place on the bed. Panicked, she checked the first place she thought he could be hiding. He wasn't under his bed. Then, she checked the closet and found his dead body was curled up on the closet floor. He had been skinned alive.

    During the initial investigation, the police found a message carved into the baseboard. It read "Lisa and Sarah 1993". Next to that, was another carving. It read "Cody 2007". They had attempted to trace the sender of the emails, but were unable to do so. Neither could they uncover who registered the 'smithsisters93@aol' email address. They swabbed for evidence, and got nothing but Cody's blood and dust bunnies.
    After interviewing the parents (the only other people in the house at the suspected time of death), the police were able to set a few facts straight.

    The Smith family only ever had one child. Cody Smith. Birth records corroborate this.

    The names and dates scratched into the closet baseboard were not there before the night of Cody's murder.

    A Lisa and Sarah Smith have never lived nor died in Candor, Michigan. 

    There was no forensic evidence to confirm that the parents did it, even though they should have heard him screaming. However, it appears that there was nothing to hear. The neighbors hadn't heard anything either. Not a single sound.

    The Candor County Police Department did the best they could with what they had. A few long-shot suspects were interviewed, but nothing came of it. Profiling didn't help. The murder of Cody Smith remains a cold case mystery leaving the residents of Candor, Michigan in shock for years.

Thursday, May 22, 2025

Carpentry Class

I’ve started an adult carpentry class and I’ve been getting pretty good at it! I promised myself I’d learn a new skill in the new year, and I’m feeling good, doing well, I’m making friends, life is great.

My main homie from the class is called Twitchy Steeve. He leaves and rejoins the class every 4 weeks.
This past while we’ve been making chairs. Steeve’s is a little wobbly, he doesn’t have as much practice. Mine is something really special. It pulls itself out for you. Don’t know how I did that, but we don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Now, the chair is still a little bare bones, as I’m still adding the finishing touches (fine sanding, deciding what color to stain it), but it’s incredibly comfortable. It’s like it was made for me.
I generously offered my boy Steeve to take it for a spin. He declined. Seemed pretty shaky when doing it, but we do call him Twitchy Steeve. That’s alright. No harm, no foul, more chair for me. Not like he would understand its refined appeal anyway, but it's fine!

I fixed myself a cup of coffee from the class coffee pot. (we up) I’m mid sip, feeling that caffeine touch my soul when I hear my beautiful chair drag on the polished concrete. I’m thinking Steeve changed his mind on my generous offer. However, when I turned, he was nowhere to be found…

Maybe I was doing too much. Maybe I scared him off again. Maybe Steeve only stepped out and I’m overthinking. 

Thursday, January 9, 2025

scaryteacher.exe (free.99)


I used to be a huge Baldi's Basics fan as a kid when it first came out, and all the big youtubers were playing it. 
Well, I say I was a huge fan, but I never actually played it back then. Like many kids of the time, I was mostly just obsessed with watching people play it on YouTube, before I grew out of it lol. Apparently the full game came out ages ago, and I missed the drop being busy with school and all that.

Exam season just ended for me, and I decided to get back into it in the meantime. Just something to keep me from 𝒻𝓇𝑒𝒢𝓀ing out about whether I failed or not haha... 
Back at my dorm, I waited for my geriatric shitbox pc to warm up, so I can look up the game. I waited and waited while my computer made noises similar to when my grandad got pneumonia (rip grandad). My weed head roommate came home from his job before the computer even got to the log in screen so we started talking about fuck all. It was just when the convo started to turn towards my roommie claiming that I should try weed again and that I "haven't found the right strain" that the start-up chime blared from my stolen speaker. (If you can't tell, I'm broke). He quickly got shooed out of my side of the room so I can get to my main task of getting "back to basics" (haha). I typed " new baldi basics" into my search engine, then hit enter.

"10 DOLLARS?! That's 10 dollar's my broke ass could be eating with!"

"What the fuck are you yelling about?" My roommate asked from the other side of the room.

"This game I'm trying to play costs money. >:("

"My weedman sells pirated games on the side. He might have whatever you're looking for." 

Well, that's certainly weird. Do drug dealers commonly have side hustles? Shouldn't selling illicit substances should make enough money on it's own? Or at least selling weed would be the side hustle itself right? I brushed off all those dumb questions.
I asked my roommie to call up his weed dealer and ask him if he had the game, before I even went out to try and find him. When I finally got word that he did in fact have a copy of Baldi's on sale, I was told to meet him at the local Burger King.

Thursday, November 14, 2024

boldtext.exe

I accidentally downloaded a virus onto my laptop, HELP!

All I wanted was to get those free smileys from the ad I saw watching anime, and now the text I write is randomly emboldened! The ad took me to a site called smilesfree4u.co. The whole webpage was full of those download buttons, all fitted together like a gallery wall. I wanted my smileys though, so I just hit one of them and the page redirected a few times. I caught one of the urls that flashed past me in the corner of my eye.

milfmania34.co.uk

I should have known my laptop was cooked...
During those redirects, a file downloaded to my desktop. Then the browser redirected back to what looked the og website, but had a slightly different url, smiles.4u.info. The download buttons were faded out like an ad vignette and there was big blue bolded impact font in size 120 pt font saying "Thank you for download"

At this point I was a little nervous, but I shook it off. I wanted those smileys, and I've already come so far. 
I minimized my browser, Opera GX themed to look like Internet Explorer, and threw the newly downloaded zip file into a new folder. I figured it have be a bunch of image files that it pulls from when you sent a sticker online, so I put it away so it won't unzip all over my desktop. Now in the folder, I double-clicked smiles4u.zip, opening it in Win-RaR, and proceed to unzip it into the folder. There were only three files; smiley.vst, boldtext.exe and a readme. The first made sense, but what the hell is boldtext? I double-clicked the readme and read it.
oo_ \\\ //wW WwW W wWw oo_ wWw .-. ()_() wWw wWw .-. wWw wWw .--. / _)-((O) (O)(O)(O(O)(O) (O)_/ _)-< (O)_ c(O_O)c(O o) (O) (O)c(O_O)c (O) (O)(O)(O) \__ `. | \ / | (..) || / __\__ `. / __,'.---.`,|^_\ ( \ / ,'.---.`, / ) ( \| o / `. |||\\//|| || | \ / ( `. | / ( / /|_|_|\ |(_)) \ \/ / /|_|_|\ / / \ |`-/ _| ||| \/ || _||_ | `( _) _| | ( _)| \_____/ | / \o /| \_____/ | \____/ |_/ ,-' ||| ||(_/\_)(.-.__\ \_ ,-' | / / '. `---' .)|\\ _/ / '. `---' .'. `--' ._ (_..--'(_/ \_) `-' \__(_..--' )/ `-...-'(/ \) (_.' `-...-' `-..-'(_)
Thank you for downloaded our smileys!
In order to you to use them properly, please drag both files into the plugin folder of your browser of choice.
Both files are necessary to function. Keep them together.
After that, restart your browser.

               --FunnyMan
 
I don't know enough about computers to dispute anything said here, so I trusted him.
Both files, into opera, fully restarted. Then my laptop started making airplane noises and almost died. I thought it was over for me, for my laptop. All my files could have been kill. 
It to
ok hours to revive my laptop and eventually it worked, but even before it booted up, I knew something was wrong.

All the text in the boot screen was randomly bolded. And when I went to log in, instead of my name, it said FunnyMan's pc. On my desktop, all the icons were replaced with fugly 3D smileys, and all the buttons and thumbnails from my browser were also replaced. The yellow demons stared back at me with gleeful malice.
My computer looked ridiculous, and with all the icons changed around, it was nearly unusable.

I was pissed. I remembered seeing a contact link on the first website, so I tried going back, but when I did. The domain was gone. I tried the other one and all that was left was this fucked up image.


Guys, how do I fix my laptop? Is it over for me??



The Herbie from HELL

Tie Dye color way Much like any other 30 year old nerd, I love toys. Old toys, new toys, and weird toys, but ESPECIALLY banned toys. And I c...