ZOMG GUYS
I bought a mixtape from the sketchy guy on the corner, and I DIED. Like I'm ACTUALLY dead rn. Here's what happened...
I went out. To the bodega. Got me an italian hoagie, with the extra salt and pepper.
On the way back, the local weirdo accosted me.
"Ay man, check out my mixtape."
"Naw man."
"Ay man, I'm gonna be the next big thing. Trust. Here take it, on the house."
And he shoved it into my hands before, shuffling away as fast as his sagging pants would allow. His boxers had gangster spongebob printed on the back.
Well shit. I guess I own this now.
I brought it home, along with my hoagie and chips, and set it on my computer desk. Now, I'm not stupid, I did not input this foreign data into my PC.
I own a CD player, and that is what I used to play the audio contained within this disk.
After fucking up my lunch voraciously, I gave it a listen. How bad could it really be?
Well I'll tell you how bad it was.
IT KILLED ME.
It starts with 2.5 seconds of dead air before the beat starts, and the beat... OH MY GOD THE BEAT... IT WAS SO ASS. Shit sounded like the arabic nokia ringtone played in the room where the microphone happened to be.
Then he started rapping, but it didn't sound like rapping, it sounded more like... chanting, and it was so shrill that I couldn't make out what he was saying.
The sound made my head hurt, and I felt like I was gonna hurl. My face started to sweat. My mouth was turning savory. I was going to puke. I ran to my bathroom and threw up BLOOD. I went pale (probably from the blood loss). Holy fuck. My head spun, and I threw up again.
The chanting was still going. I had to turn it off. But I couldn't make it, I wasn't strong enough and I passed out on the carpet. It was that same spot where my body was found days later. The mixtape was STILL PLAYING!!
Investigators took my body and the disk as evidence.
Turns out there were no lyrics. The chanting was fake. The autopsy results found out that it wasn't the music that killed me through demonic influence, but tiny shards of glass that were in my sandwich!
The mixtape was so doody ass, that it distracted me from the hazard I unknowingly ingested.
Moral or the story, NEVER LET A CRACK HEAD CONVINCE YOU TO LISTEN TO HIS MIXTAPE, AND NEVER GET A CHEAP HOAGIE FROM THE 2 STAR CORNER STORE!!1!
...and then my skeleton popped out.
No comments:
Post a Comment