The Herbie from HELL

Tie Dye color way

Much like any other 30 year old nerd, I love toys.

Old toys, new toys, and weird toys, but ESPECIALLY banned toys. And I collect them all.

Lawn darts, suspicious flying broomsticks, glowing alien fingers, dolls that fly directly into fire, dolls that eat hair, you name it and it's pissed off a parent, I got it.

Other than banned toys, I also collect bootleg toys, especially Teddy Ruxpin wannabes. Once again, the shittier, the better. There's nothing better than spending an evening listening to rock cassettes and recorded Seinfeld clips through the mouth of "Teddy Tale-Spin". Or at least that's what I believed... but now, I'm not so sure. 

It all started one balmy spring morning. I was having my morning coffee, and waiting on a package to be delivered. Suddenly, I hear FedEx delivery hastily toss my package on my porch, and then speed off. WTF? No need to abuse my boxes.

I put down my coffee to see what all the fuss was about. As I expected, nothing to be running from, just my now dented package. They better not have fucked the resale value. Not that I commonly sell off my prizes anyway, but still. 

I took it to the kitchen table and immediately get to opening it. 

This one was... a little stranger than usual.

It kind of looked like a cross between the Fresh Tie Dye and Midnight Wolf color change furbys, with the crazy hair and frosty y2k color palette, but it also had little hands like a loris and round ears. It had black eyelids with white lashes, and the tush tag read "TW" instead of "WT", but the most striking thing about it was it's blood red eyes.

Nothing about this official, idk why they even bothered with the tag. I turned it upside down to look for the battery compartment, and it sprang to life.

"OO-nye boh dee wah?! Kah oo-tye nah-bah, Boo-dah! Boo-dah wah!"

Yep, and it's talkative! I think it's what I think it is... Herbie!!! It didn't come in it's box, but it does have a note.

"I COME TO LIFE WHEN I TALK TO YOU AND I KNOW WHEN YOU RESPOND TO ME TOO. MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, HEAD MOVEMENT AND ARM GESTURES MAKES ME REALLY SEEM TO BE ALIVE. I MAKE LEARNING ENTERTAINING, EASY AND FUN BY PLAYING GAMES TO TEACH ABOUT THE ALPHABET, NUMBERS, TIME, SHAPES, COLORS, BODY PARTS AND SO MUCH MORE."

I'm guessing that was all the marketing nonsense that would have been written on the packaging?

On the other side was a handwritten note. 

"Thank you for your purchase! 

I had to get rid of this thing, before it was too late. I hope you'll understand. I just couldn't take the gibbering anymore. Maybe, you will succeed where I failed, and DESTROY THIS THING.

Destroy thing before 'it' comes after you too. Don't even entertain it's babbling, that's what 'it' wants.

Please..."

The Mixtape From HELL

ZOMG GUYS

I bought a mixtape from the sketchy guy on the corner, and I DIED. Like I'm ACTUALLY dead rn. Here's what happened...

I went out. To the bodega. Got me an italian hoagie, with the extra salt and pepper.

On the way back, the local weirdo accosted me.

"Ay man, check out my mixtape."

"Naw man."

"Ay man, I'm gonna be the next big thing. Trust. Here take it, on the house." 

And he shoved it into my hands before, shuffling away as fast as his sagging pants would allow. His boxers had gangster spongebob printed on the back.

Well shit. I guess I own this now.

I brought it home, along with my hoagie and chips, and set it on my computer desk. Now, I'm not stupid, I did not input this foreign data into my PC. 

I own a CD player, and that is what I used to play the audio contained within this disk.

After fucking up my lunch voraciously, I gave it a listen. How bad could it really be? 

Well I'll tell you how bad it was.

IT KILLED ME.

It starts with 2.5 seconds of dead air before the beat starts, and the beat... OH MY GOD THE BEAT... IT WAS SO ASS. Shit sounded like the arabic nokia ringtone played in the room where the microphone happened to be. 

Then he started rapping, but it didn't sound like rapping, it sounded more like... chanting, and it was so shrill that I couldn't make out what he was saying. 

The sound made my head hurt, and I felt like I was gonna hurl. My face started to sweat. My mouth was turning savory. I was going to puke. I ran to my bathroom and threw up BLOOD. I went pale (probably from the blood loss). Holy fuck. My head spun, and I threw up again. 

The chanting was still going. I had to turn it off. But I couldn't make it, I wasn't strong enough and I passed out on the carpet. It was that same spot where my body was found days later. The mixtape was STILL PLAYING!!

Investigators took my body and the disk as evidence. 

Turns out there were no lyrics. The chanting was fake. The autopsy results found out that it wasn't the music that killed me through demonic influence, but tiny shards of glass that were in my sandwich!

The mixtape was so doody ass, that it distracted me from the hazard I unknowingly ingested.

Moral or the story, NEVER LET A CRACK HEAD CONVINCE YOU TO LISTEN TO HIS MIXTAPE, AND NEVER GET A CHEAP HOAGIE FROM THE 2 STAR CORNER STORE!!1!

...and then my skeleton popped out.

mirrored HERE on the trollpasta wiki